Betsy Blue

Just Show Up

2010-09-27T22:31:00.000-07:00

When I was little, in fact, when you were probably little too- we had dreams. We aspired to be a lawyer, or a doctor; a musician or a fireman. We unconsciously soul-searched our left side brain and created adventures only our innocent brains could think about. When presented with a map, we didn't think about time or the gym or even how much gas would cost to find the end treasure. We didn't require our parents to be witty or wise to entertain us; we entertained ourselves.

For me, lately, I miss that feeling. I miss the intense highs and complete exhaustion. Writing and photography are my outlets since I've become an 'adult.' If I told a child that I enjoyed running, spin class and boxing, but I did it for a purpose of being fit rather than just for pure pleasure, they wouldn't comprehend. Why wouldn't I write and do photography instead? Criticisms, I guess. Do I actually think, though, that the literacy critics will really come pounding on my door because, in my blog, I didn't match the possessive noun with the right verb? Doubt it. Will people yell “Rookie” to me while I'm walking down the street? Shit, I'd be so happy if they did.

So, why else? Is it because I'm getting old? I think the older we get, we persuade ourselves that the instinctual need for creativity is no longer needed. I know my mother is an enormous talent (painting, designing and wreath building) but she hasn't done those things for years. Have I outgrown writing?

Maybe...we lose faith (or I lose faith) because we see so many artists struggle and figure there is some other 9 to 5 job to pay our rent, travel bill, etc. But, when we take that other job and stop creating, what then? First, I know that I will never outgrow words on a blank page. No matter how grammatically incorrect or un-comprehendible my stories may read, writing to me is like a sweet nectar juice to a hummingbird. It's like a brie cheese stuffed with caramel and nuts or butter with bread to a food lover; it's like a new set of oil pastels or Ingres paper to a painter.

Second, I know that I will never stop looking at the world through a lens just because everyone else is doing it. I have never liked to be the one that followed the herd, but in this case, I'll moo for as long as my lungs will take it.

I can't wake up creative everyday so for me, I need to have my stable job and remember on my down-time how much writing and photography means to me. Pregnant women really don't want to have a big belly, but they do because in the end, the joys and thrills of being a mom, outlasts anything. Sometimes writers blame time, musicians blame the audience, etc. In the end (whatever that may be to you) though, it's worth it. There will be intermittent times of business, blockage and laziness. But, like Elizabeth Gilbert said, “All you can do is show up.” I did stop showing up. I figured that if I showed up and nothing came to me to write about, or I couldn't find a tiger and a crocodile kissing with my camera, I might as well drink a martini and call it a day.

Being impatient doesn't work; not fulfilling your soul doesn't work either. It may, for awhile, but then you just end up pushing through and that's not enough.

Time Separated

2010-06-17T20:02:00.000-07:00

Time. It is meant to change. It is meant to begin. It is meant to plan.

In youth, we ask for more (we ask for time to stand still) - to dance in the moonlight, take motorcycle rides and create musical notes that will secure us through our future.

Time.

In life, all we can do is hope and love. As we get older, we begin to teach our parents again about hope. Yes, they look at us like we are crazy, but all we have to do is remind them of the first kiss from grandpa.

Time.

Create a way to travel back in time. Enrollment. That’s what it takes to remember and embrace the past. Yes, it’s good to move on. But yes, screw that, it’s good to remember.

I remember dancing at a competition and looking at my parent’s gazing eyes. They thought I was purr-fect. Boy, they didn’t have a clue.

I remember basking in the musical notes during class (probably because music activates neuro-pathways and facilitates learning in other areas – just saying). I also remember Spanish class and the flush of excitement when I could speak fluently to my teacher.

I remember watching the sunset with a certain someone and realizing life can’t slow down enough.

I remember sitting still and just listening. Sometimes to tears; other times to the sound of leaves moving from the wind and then sometimes, to just this - my fingers on the keyboard. It’s different than a journal, but similar nonetheless.

Time.

I thought I could do anything. I remember then time. I fell in love, got my heart broken, pursued my dreams, developed and then fell in love again.

Guess what? Timing…it’s everything. At 30, I can truly say that life is full of surprises, full of wonderment, full of certainty. Sometimes when we want some great explorer to jump right in front and show us the world; what we get is someone who shows us the world is surrounding our every being. We can still dance outside in the moonlight, we can still hold onto hope and faith; most importantly, we can still remember the past, shed a tear and move on.

The Right Thing

2009-11-24T20:03:00.000-08:00

When you realize what you thought you knew, but didn’t, life before then seems so far away. A turn of events, a time to forgive, a change. We feed ourselves to starve the pain because we can’t face the facts. We are all afraid of something. But, when we stop and mostly because something happens, some event, we realize that we have to face the facts, we have to stop being afraid, and we have to make a change.

The last few days, a turn of events has happened to me. A friend came to me with a mission to help raise awareness for a man running from San Diego to Phoenix for cancer and a road trip ended with an explosion that made me realize what is meant to be.

I was forced to face the facts because of the explosion; just like people are forced to face the facts when they learn that a loved one has cancer. I was afraid of making a commitment; just like people are afraid to live each day as if it was their last. I was feeding myself with what I thought was filling the heart instead of leading my heart.

Life, as a friend put it to me recently, is ending as we know it. He described visiting his family and friends in his home country and how people were gone and other people were evolved. He was explaining revolving…he was saying that life is a constant change.

Now, I realize this. I realize that life is too short to not communicate to the people that you love. I realize life is too short to play games. I realize that life is about respect, its about hard work, its about doing the right thing. Time for me to do the right thing….

Sight...

2009-08-27T23:52:00.000-07:00

It’s something most of us our born with and don’t think about much from day-to-day. As a photographer, it’s one of the five senses that I can’t imagine living without. There have even been days where all I do is drive and soak in as many visions as I can possibly handle until I’ve created a golden screen picture in my mind.

Merriam Webster defines sight as “something that is seen” or “a thing regarded as worth seeing” and finally, “the process, power, or function of seeing; specifically: the physical sense by which light stimuli received by the eye are interpreted by the brain and constructed into a representation of the position, shape, brightness, and usually color of objects in space.”

I guess I never thought of sight as a thing regarded as worth seeing. I’ve had looks from loved ones with cold Medusa eyes, and seen homeless men struggling to stay alive. Those experiences were sights, vulnerable sights, but nonetheless sights of this grand thing called life. I’ve seen the moon smile down on me and I’ve seen 90-year-old couples hold hands down the boardwalk. I’ve seen a lens full of wilderness and sunrises over the ocean where light and shadow coalesce as one. Vision presses to my heart. Shape, situation, shine. All things combined, the grand design is within us. What we see, we choose to see. What we don’t, we haven’t worked hard enough to make it visible.

What I’ve learned is that both vulnerable sights and “great” sights are worth seeing. Each teaches us where we are and where we must go. A new vision (whether positive or harmful) can lead us to a different direction, a different ponder session and a more honest, hard look at ourselves. That said, remember the “sights” you see. Remember the light is received by your eye which is interpreted by your brain and constructed into a position, shape, brightness and color. The “sights” you see are what makes you – you. Remember, not to take them for granted.

Reflections of 2008 -- It's About Time

2009-04-08T20:18:00.000-07:00

2008 became a year of stability and change. I made some major moves to brighten my horizons and delude the craziness. I moved closer to the ocean so the positive ions would influence my creative side and since moving, I’ve picked up a paint brush, strummed on my guitar, and mastered hand stands in the sand.

Other things that blessed my year:

S: Started the New Year off with friends and laughter in Costa Rica. Getting over a major loss, I rode the warm waves, zip lined through the jungle and breathed in the misty jungle air.
T: Tanned a bit less and toughened up a bit more.
A: A trip to Arizona brought family history, healed wounds, and awe of the Sedona mountains with my favorite person in the world.
B: Board games filled my soul and brought me back to childhood.
I: Iowa allowed hours with my father listening and laughing, a few days with my brother and sister looking at architecture, making food and watching movies, and time with my old college friends watching two people dedicate the rest of their lives to one another.
L: Listening to the waves brought me back to open my ears…and heart.
I: Intimacy with new friends and the bf allowed me to recognize love, openness, and shame.
T: Travel up and down the Californian coast reminded me of God’s nature; how the sun rises and sets in perfect intervals. Magic mountain, universal studios and race tracks allowed me to scream at the top of my lungs.
Y: Yoga gave me the ability to listen to my breath and move my body naturally.

AND…

C: A new career change to an online company near the ocean.
H: Health. Ran a marathon and listened to my body instead of just looking at it.
A: Positive attitude made laughter continuous.
N: Natural miracles of friends’ babies made me realize even more the power of God.
G: Gratitude of where I lived filled my heart each day. A new home and beach city brought me closer to positive ions in the air.
E: Eternal memories from my grandmother who could no longer remember actions and events, but she remembered love. A reality and lesson to those of us who try to succeed without love, true love.

Allowing Life and Death to Collide

2009-02-17T20:39:00.000-08:00

In the past month, a truly amazing journey and somewhat of a treasure trove of history has happened to me. Through a death of my dad’s mom and a 60th anniversary celebration of my mom’s parents, I’ve heard countless hours of family history and whole heartedly fell in love with stories of love.

Although I asked probing questions when I was younger about my grandparents and how life was growing up in their era, I still don’t really feel like I know them as well as I wish. If I could have any superpower, it wouldn’t be flying. Instead, I’d move like seabreeze and float back in time so I could be a fly on the wall and really get to know my relatives. I'd also take notes on how to really love because I believe my grandparents had it figured out.

Reading through my grandpa’s letters to my grandma during her funeral weekend, I realized how much he loved her. I know that the day she died was the second happiest day of my grandfather’s life (the first being the day he married her).

Pondering on that weekend, I realize how fortunate I am to have also experienced my other grandparents 60th anniversary. A few weeks earlier, I saw the love of 60 years in their eyes where dancing, laughter, and life was another memory that will never be extinguished. That memory will be chronicled, carried on and remembered.

Stories of love, sadness, loss, happiness, humanity, insanity and truth have filled my presence in these last 30 days. And although exhausting, the emotions I am feeling are innately human. They forge bands of voices and connections.

However great or small we choose to live, I’ve learned that we must live it with decency, honesty, and love. We must remain true to our heritage and to the spirit of its telling.

The Perfect Star

2009-01-23T21:55:00.000-08:00

When I was little, I tried to draw the perfect star. Every time I had a moment of freedom, I would whip out my pen and draw those five lines so each open space would be equal. It wasn’t until today, almost 30-years-old, did I realize that it doesn’t matter.

As I sat there at my desk with one piece of paper, my phone on speaker, and a pen, I doodled. At the time, I didn’t realize I was doodling because of course I should have been paying attention. But when I finished with my conference call, I looked down and saw the absolute perfect star I’ve ever drawn. Guess what? It wasn’t perfect. It was so far away from perfect, it made me break into hysterical laughter and my office mate thought I was crazy. To me, I realized that my obsession to make things ‘perfect’ had nothing to do with that star, but more to do with making it accommodate to my being and atmosphere. The un-connecting lines and slanted curves finally made it perfect in my eyes.I took the time to realize...IT IS NOT ABOUT ME.

It begs the question though…do we expect that life will end up as perfectly as we predict? Do we wish a white wedding with 500 guests and 10+ bridesmaids? Did we think that we’d become a millionaire by the time we were 30? Have we succeeded in what we thought we would achieve at this age?

Probably not. The only reason why I say that is because our generation is so beyond these thoughts... yet, should we be worried? It is imperative to have goals. It is important to protect what you’ve worked so hard to build and achieve. But…if those visions fill up your 'gallery' and don’t work out, you can still color outside the lines and it will still work out. God works in ways that we humans can’t quite understand. The very best quality output may only bring you minimum return.

All and all, here's my advice to you. Realize and live your passion, not your warped dream into reality. Don’t expect that things will be granted to you. Expect that things will be the way you look at them. Broken star or perfect, it is all your perspective and you have the power to precede.

Endurance...

2009-01-03T23:00:00.000-08:00

Today I've been looking back at 2008 before I look forward at 2009 (yes, I know I'm a few days late). During my adventure, I came across an entry that I never published...and should have...

From April...

Enduring spirit. Enduring soul. And Enduring life. Words gone unwritten and sounds sunken. Day to day activities override heart to heart conversations. Mindless television watching takes over creative writing. Beats take over the actual words of a song…

…so I wonder – have I given up and given into the U.S.A. culture today? Or, have I settled down and become stabilized with being content as I am and not trying to prove myself anymore. Sure, I’d love to be traveling and giving seminars on how to change your life and make change in the world around you. Or, publish a joint novel written and illustrated by mother and me that inspires the homeless population, young children and growing artists. Heck, I’d even settle for this blog to actually make a difference.

I’m slowly realizing that all my ‘reach for the dreams’ thoughts don’t actually have to be earth shattering and really should just matter to me and all that surround me. I’m realizing that a night of learning how to cook ginger chicken is sometimes better than a night of heated garden burgers. A day filled with friends’ babies is sometimes better than a night filled with glittering lights and painfully loud rap. And hearing my mom’s voice is a thousand times better than not hearing it.

Call me real. Call me grown up. Call me someone that does continue to create, but no longer tries to push her creations on to others. Call me ‘mom’ one day. That is my new wish.

Holidays in San Diego

2008-12-17T21:41:00.000-08:00

Less than ten days until Christmas Eve and it’s actually starting to feel like the holidays. When I first moved to San Diego, the only way you could tell it was Christmas is by the music at the mall, the crazy parking and the slight dew that lands on your car in the morning.

Now, however, I know where to look. Here’s what I’ve learned about Christmas in San Diego:

San Diegans love their dogs. Most cities have parades with hot cocoa and floats. We have a dog parade where people dress up their dogs in funny looking costumes and walk them down the streets of downtown.
We have a boat parade where people line up on the harbor with T-shirts on.
San Diego skyline changes to green and red just for the season.
On Christmas Eve, you can walk on the beach to look at house lights instead of driving around in your car.
On Christmas Day, you can walk on the beach to look at all the boys surfing. Some…with Santa outfits on.
You can ice skate outdoors in a T-shirt and shorts while watching the ocean waves.
You can watch whales before opening up presents Christmas morning.
Instead of making a snow angel, we make sand angels.
And most importantly, you can dress up for your holiday parties and not have to worry about funny looking shoes.

Happy Holidays! Enjoy those layers…

What Happened To Living For What We Believed In...

2008-12-04T20:14:00.000-08:00

Oriah Mountain Dreamer says, “it doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts longing.” The author goes on about being alive no matter how old you are and about taking risks for your dream, for your adventure.

Tonight, the cover of this book moved me. My very existence sat there, among other women and men, and just stared. Just a slight coincidence that it is my mother’s birthday today and she’s always taught me to dream and invite my soul to everything I do in life.

Strange how things happen when you least expect it. I needed to see this book cover. After three days of detox and clearing my stomach and mind, I guess you could say I was a bit vulnerable…but in a good way.

It made me realize what it means to be alive and how precious it is to laugh with someone, or to look up into the sky and see the stars that sparkle in your eye. It made me realize that bantering sessions feed the soul even if it is over facebook IM. It made me realize that Jack Johnson and the other soul-producing musicians came from something small and continued to produce the music they loved not so it was heard, but so their passion continued on.

We need to just slow down. Spend some time looking around, breathing in the music and feeling the brisk breeze. We need to reconnect with friends and not be afraid to make new ones. We need to stop fearing what would happen if we went forward with our dream, or if we say something to that someone. We need to just live, like God intended…pure and real.

So here’s to finding out what we ache for and taking risks no matter how old we are.

I love you mom!

Find a Deeper Relationship with A Craft

2008-11-19T21:34:00.000-08:00

Whether it is doing hair, painting, or inserting a hole in a box with taped film to capture an image, we all have a creative string inside.

Tonight, I heard myself say to an artist at an exhibit that “I enjoy photography,” instead of saying what I know in my heart to be true which is that “I heart photography with all my might and want to run away with my camera to different parts of the world capturing images and expressing my authenticity.”

Why didn’t I say that? Why don’t I spend my time nurturing my craft? The lazy excuse we use is that everyone has a craft now so what makes mine unique…

The artist looked at me and studied me like a dog that didn’t quite understand exactly what I was doing or even thinking. When she suddenly spoke, her words said “You have to find that area in your photography where you can mold it to your own and what you believe without making it like all the others. I can tell you are an artist, now just find a deeper relationship with your craft.”

As I walked away, my eyes opened to the charms all around me. I was off to new creative horizons…

And just a few more photos I've taken that make me happy...

Beyond the Ocean

2008-11-13T22:29:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I look out beyond the ocean and just wonder what is happening in other realms of the world that actually relate to me. Is there a family in China looking for food? Or some street kid in Rio trying to figure out how to fight his way to life? Is some couple in Paris getting engaged while admiring the Eiffel tower…

The other day, I was driving my two miles from work to home. Most of the time I’d just quickly look over to the ocean and ‘make sure’ it was still there, but whatever the reason, I was so mesmerized that I had to pull over without intention. (Usually I would regretfully head to the gym to get it done before I headed home).

I sat there, on the beach, with my iPod and my yoga clothes on-board, right next to the ocean. Listening to the background noise and serene music playing in my ear drums and smelling the salt breeze, tears fell slowly down my face. No one gave me permission, and I’m not sure I would have been able to wait for any…

It could have been the seasons changing (as much as they could possibly change in San Diego), or feeling that the learning tools makes me feel like I’m ALWAYS trying to catch up in this world today, or just simply and plainly because I felt like crying.

I have a lens pointing at the world with so many images constantly flashing through my head. I look at myself and wonder how and what I am doing that could actually compare to the international world surrounding me. Is my two-step journey going to really matter to the Italian family picking their grapes for the upcoming season, or to the soy luck club out there in east Africa? Here’s the crux of the matter: when people change their mind about something… whether it is looking at other cultures, or looking internally, there is a natural state of wonder. That wonder is inevitably going to make you explore your feelings and other point of views allowing persuasion to occur.

Ultimately, that is me. I want to relate. I also want to persuade and pursue these snippet experiences that make me question if what I am doing could be enhanced by incorporating other culture influence into my own. Japanese, Brazilian, Israeli, Czech, Italian, Spanish, Mexican…bring it on. I’m ready.

By the way, I think I have a new muse….

Warming Trends

2008-08-27T21:36:00.000-07:00

As I drove home tonight with my window of my car rolled down and the sweetest scent of the ocean, I thought about the tidal force and power behind those magnificent waves in the ocean. I don’t know if it’s the affect the summer has on us, or the night I had but, I felt sexy and alive with nature. I finally understood the warming trend of the ocean.

I thought about how sometimes the waves collide and other times, they leave one another alone. When the wave can travel peacefully, the surfer and wave coalesces as one.

What other objects coalesce as one? Do dolphins and mermaids? And if they do, what tips can those creatures offer me? Maybe they would whisper: “There’s no rest at all in freedom. The choices we are given, sometimes don’t leave us with one single choice at all. And, when you are touched by another human, sometimes you just have to let it swim away.”

I thought about the Birch Aquarium I went to the other weekend and how mesmerized I was by each color palette I saw. I was like a little kid staring at each ocean creature with open eyes, face pressed right up against the glass, and heart pounding. Was I secretly hoping the fish would speak to me?! Maybe [while blushing].

Although I didn’t hear any ‘wise words of bubbles’ from those intelligent sea creatures, I did learn something. Life really is about letting the air blow through your hair, listening to nature, and realizing that there is something much greater than what you and I can understand.

We can’t do it all alone…

2008-08-08T23:30:00.000-07:00

Wow! My birthday. It really is just another year older and it’s kinda sad how all the enthusiasm and excitement tends to go to waste over the years. However, I still have to sit back and reflect to realize why I came on this earth and not only what I've accomplished for myself, but what I've done for others.

Looking back, my 28th year has been filled with joy, hope, uncertainty, adventure, comfort, love, regret, fear, change and more change. And, through it all, it has been a wonderful process and I’m content where I am. I’m not married – no. I don’t have children. I don’t even have god children. I don’t own my own company. I don’t have my own photography studio. Glad I got that out of the way…

What I have: love. I have faith. I have the confidence in myself to make the right decisions and if I don’t, I have the courage to deal with them. I have an amazing spirit inside me and I have a heart that still beats. I’m wiser than I was (thank goodness) and I’m stronger than I was (or, at least I think). Wisdom and grace are two of the most important items you can ask for and I’m just thankful that I slowly am realizing what they are.

This past year, I ran a marathon and raised money for cancer research; took an amazing trip to Greece, Italy, and Spain that I’ll never forget; embraced my body realizing that 120 pounds might not be healthy; listened to the beach; realized that solitude and novels are what I need; contemplated sailing around the world; fell in love; shut my mouth once in awhile and listened. Through all of that, I embraced my life.

It’s going to be a good year, I can just feel it.

May the moon continue to confuse you for the sun

2008-07-20T20:19:00.000-07:00

I just spent my night watching drama love flicks and after enough tears to fill an enormous lake in Minnesota, I realized no one should do this alone, especially after a break up. Who in the world decided that watching love stories and eating ice cream was a good way to spend your time?

Well, I did it so I might as well take something away from it and here’s what I learned:

A good relationship allows karaoke, ridiculous dancing, laughter without feeling intimidated, nites that blur to the day.

Real love has je ne sais quoi. It has a quality that eludes description and none of us can describe it.

The depth of the relationship depends on the aliveness and strength in each person.

Genuine love is not an ‘affect’ or ‘feeling’ but rather a conscious effort to strive for the happiness of the loved person found by loving oneself first.

I don’t know if my hope to find a forever love is just way out of this world, but I want something insane. I want something that is so unbelievable I can’t stand a night without touching the other person.

I want to kiss someone so that life ends as I know it. As Brent would say, “sweet sweetness that coats the tongue and tastes more intense than a field of blooming jelly beans.”

I want someone that can rejoice with me and teach me about life while I teach him.

You never know what tomorrow is going to bring, I guess. Be in the moment and hold those that you love near. Love with intention. Love with grace. Love with faith.

You don't have to be tall to see the moon

2008-07-18T01:08:00.000-07:00

Lessons learned lately:

Be faithful. We weren’t meant to be faithful and no one is. We were meant to deal with problems, be alone from time to time and be human enough to think about our decisions before we enter it into actions. We were meant to make mistakes but we were also made to correct them before they actually happen.

Breathe inside. You don’t have to rush into something in fear of thinking you’ll lose it. The good things, and right ones, take time. It might not be the same in business, but in personal life, you have to stop, and be happy with the love you feel in your heart.

Respect others. Before you enter in a partnership (business and personal) you have to respect the other party 150% for it to be successful. And by respect I mean honesty, dedication, and comprehensive desire to make it work. Without this key element, you have no saving grace.

Be stable. Your soul isn’t likely to give back to another person until it is stable with oneself. If you are all over the board and never make a decision but just talk about this and that, you aren’t stable. And although you don’t have to be stable with your spirit necessarily, you have to be stable with your heart.

It’s all about character. I have made naïve mistakes, forgotten that I’m fallible and supremely flawed, but I think you just need to keep on experiencing and build up your character so you don’t make those stagnant mistakes over and over again.

Time. It’s everything. The people that say, “if only I would have” and the others that say “if I turn back now, I won’t have to ___." You won't have to what? What if you turned back? Most the time, it is misguided self-protection. Make your dreams now. Don’t do things that make you second-guess yourself.

Pray. Really, if you think you can deal with life everyday on your own, kudus to you. Maybe there is a marvelous community of individuals that are able to sail its own energy, but I doubt it. You need wind to make it work.

Engage in other people and activities that cause energy gains. Engaging in yourself only gets you as far as other people care to learn. Show and deliberate others’ talents because internally, you’ll be organically happy for another.

I have quit over and over in my relationships, in my writing and in my ability to cobble the world together. I’m not quitting anymore.

Having A Hole in the Heart

2007-12-21T23:04:00.000-08:00

So I recently found out that one of my dearest friends has a hole in her heart. Not emotionally, but physically and it got me thinking about the heart.

We see paintings depicting a bandage when the heart is broken. We hear about people or are even one of those people that have a heart with a door and bold locks attached to it. And we feel our heart beat excitedly when we engage with another person romantically. But, how many times do we really just sit back and examine our heart? How often do we listen to what it is telling us? How seldom do we pay attention?

Some people are born with a weak heart and they spend their lives with doctors and donors trying to make it like others. Fortunately, most of us are born healthy. Some of us develop conditions over time and realize that we need to protect it. And others…never have a problem that needs medical attention. How about emotional? Should we be getting ‘physical’ checkups just to make sure we are protecting our heart like we would our own children?

It’s moments like these where I take a step back from all the day to day tactical elements and ponder. It’s moments like these that I wonder how a physical condition like having a hole in my heart would make me realize that an emotional hole has been there all along. At least with physical, you can have a doctor patch it up. Although it isn’t desirable, there are solutions and there are medical advances that make it normal again and thank goodness for that because my friend will heal and be even stronger.

A hole in the heart, not attributed to health, is not easy. We can’t just take some kind of medication and have it all better. We have to make a goal, a wish and determination to make it heal. We have to forgo the hurt and trek forward. We have to realize that the floodgates can be closed for awhile to save energy, but need to be open again to really thrive. We have to be comfortable with feeling alone and waiting for patches to happen.

We have to realize that our heart is the only one we have usually and should be protected, cared for and loved by ourselves first before it can be loved by others.

XOXO Much Love To The Heart Always!

What's Underneath

2007-11-18T19:05:00.000-08:00

When we forget to serve the ‘ego’ what happens? What’s underneath all those barriers of skin and tissue? Do we allow ourselves to reach the soul? Do we allow room for our soul to be broken and then open up again? Do we allow people in even if they break us so we can experience the depth of human contact?

We live in a world that people want to feel sooo connected they search for chat rooms that engage in the same hobbies. We live in a world where cell phones and technology have taken over human interaction so we check the latest news and listen to the radio for our connection. We live in a world where the door shuts after a long day and the television or screen from the computer takes over, even if the light has fulfilled us during the day.

We live in a world where we forgot what is really in our core. Is it art? Or music? Or how about math classes? We live in a world where it is all about me and not about our ancestors, or the history that supersedes anything we’ll ever experience. We live in a world where we bitch when it rains, even though all around us is on fire, or where we complain when we perspire when the rest of the world is trying to find another log to keep warm.

We live in an unfortunate world where it is all about me. How can I make it? How can I become successful [and by that I mean rich]? We live in a world that forgot to throw down the towel and deal with the punches to make it real.

So when I hear a friend tell me she’d rather be brutally honest with me when she’s pissed because she doesn’t want to live with me like she does with the rest of the world, it makes me want to cry. She wants something with me that is truly honest, and real.

She wants to live with me so she just knows that safety and comfort is there no matter what bad decisions, insane paths, and virtual experiences we have. She wants to share her 'underneath' and know mine and challenge, embrace, and just be.

And that, my friends, is all we can ask for. Not what's in it for me.

Back Home...

2007-11-03T20:35:00.000-07:00

I’ve been back for almost a month and I haven’t written one single word. I’ve been sucking up romance novels and my daily life. So what’s happened since I’ve been back? What has moved my soul?

First, I’ll tell you that I am in my own unique element here. The beauty that San Diego has makes me crawl to my knees and pray to my God …not only because I am true to my religion, but because of the ability to appreciate what God has given me.

I’m here. I'm home. And life is back to normal…exactly what I wanted.

Since I’ve been back, I’ve straightened up quite a bit…I’ve realized that I’m getting older and I need to fight for what I believe in and what I want in my future; I’ve realized that I can’t watch the world I use to know and accept it, but have to enrich it with the word that has been embedded in my soul; I’ve realized that I have certain expectations on me and more than I can truly fulfill...but, that's okay.

I’ve realized that life isn’t about me or what experiences God puts me through. It’s about teaching others, showing others how I am filled with grace and love. It's about how I’m already gone with God’s love and grace and that is all we need. No realistic words are going to describe what I feel; no promises are going to reach down and grasp my utmost respect; and no alternative language is going to make a difference right now.

What makes a difference is truth. Embracing life and loving others.

Tears of the Moon or Dew of the Dawn

2007-11-03T20:26:00.000-07:00

What happens when the sun hits your eyes through your window in the morning? Do you quickly search for a sheet to cover up the beam, or do you rejoice in the fact that a new day is coming and new adventures are here? In Europe, the sun didn’t rise until later in the morning and I found myself truly missing the annoying sunbeam that perched through my window about 6:50 a.m.

Yes, I am the one that sings with the birds in the morning instead of rejoice with the raccoons that come out at night. The sun in the morning makes me warm in my dreams still and allows me to think of the beautiful day that is about to happen.

Tears of the moon….or pulse in the morning? For me, the pulse and seal of that new chirp is what really makes me click. Time has come today. No other day than today…and the light that breaks through my window is breathtaking.

What is it for you? The morning dew or the midnight shimmer? Whichever it is, take the time to look into it as it will unveil your ultimate desire…

U.S. Soil

2007-10-07T20:08:00.001-07:00

Back on the ground in the U S of A....and honestly, I believe I kissed the ground when I went running tonight. It's not that my experience was ugly, or painful by any means, but what I truly did realize is that I am blessed...blessed to be living in such a beautiful city, have an amazing job that I truly enjoy, friends that bring me sugar-free hazelnut non-fat cafes and really freedom. Flying in a small jet today, I was bouncing around in my seat. The actor type reading his wanna-be script was sitting next to me looking annoyed and I just looked at him and said..."do you know how spectacular San Diego is," and he rolled his eyes. With that, I smiled and laughed and said, "guess not...oh, and good luck with that role...I'm sure you'll be great."

My last few days were a pleasant surprise given that I was ready to go home. Experienced a flamenco show which was very cultural...it wasn't just visitors at the show we went to, but all types of locals that waited months to hear the guitarist, the singer, and the dancer on stage...one of the best. The music was heart-stopping, and the dancing was so overfilled with movement, I was frightened to walk out of the there without the passion I experienced inside.

Anyhow, I do already miss some of the people I met, but mostly the history. On the other hand, I am sooooo thankful to be home....to be going back to a job that I adore (unlike most the people I met there), and really, to hear loved voices... I thought I realized before how lucky I was, but not until now, do I realize that life is exactly how it should be...the cancelled flights, the unknown destinations, the continuous sunsets that seem to happen to fast, the beautiful cultures and people, and ultimately, the salt from the tears I shed because life is miraculous...even when everything you want goes wrong. Looking back, it was all the plan.

Scanning San Diego like it is within all of us and rejoicing in its beauty...

From Italian to Spanish

2007-10-07T20:08:00.000-07:00

My adventure oughta be illegal it has been so magical.

Cinque De Terra in Italy is maybe what heaven looks like. Church bells ringing, hikes through the mountains, and an old woman named Maria who would touch my shoulder and smile at me each morning.

After a night train ride shared with a Spanish mother and daughter ...50 and 80 years old...I watched the daughter tuck her mother in the tiny bed cabin and awoke to the streets of Barcelona. I stayed in the Gothic District central to everything and wandered around the city for a few days. Gaudi was a brilliant architect. His shapes and ability to relate to nature just allows you to flow through his creations. I witnessed a wedding in the Santa Maria cathedral and felt a tear slowly fall to the ground. The church service in the main cathedral was insane. I couldn’t understand a word, but was able to participate with greeting others. Another sunset and then another night train to Malaga where I soaked up the beach.

Even though Malaga is a port town, I found it to be quite charming. I found exercise equipment right on the beach one morning when I went for a run and locals were wearing jeans and pumping iron. Strange, but free and open to the public just like it should be.

Traveling by car, I ventured into the country where white villages were everywhere. Ronda, an adorable town that sits on a hill, reminded me of Greece and how I felt there...at peace. These villages usually have a bridge that connects the old town to the new town. Ended up in Vejar de la Fonterra where I stayed the night, ate paella and listened to sweet instrumental music playing the Beatles while overlooking the valley. Vejer is one of the most enchanting of the white towns with crenellated walls and ancient whitewashed houses. I drove through cotton, sunflower and cereal country with signs off to sherry towns so I had to stop and glad I did.

From hostals to four star hotel, I stayed in Conil de la Fonterra for two nights and splurged on a massage, a pool overlooking the sea, and total relaxation. Hilltop to ocean air was exactly what I needed then. This idea was the best I had yet. Although the massage in Spain is much different in the US...talking full frontal and it was totally out of my element.

I felt like La Pincoya. The story goes that she appears on the beach and looks out to the sea when the fish will be plentiful. I also realized that it is much better to disregard the GPS rental and be your own navigation system. Fountains with mermaids blowing water from pipes, layers of rock in the country, cows grazing and the black night sea hissing on the sand. Next, Sevilla, where I am at currently. Ate at a real Bodega and enjoyed the insanity. Here, the night is flourishing with light and tonight I am going to have a date with my tripod. Tomorrow I meet up with Lucia...a sweet girl finishing here studies in Medicine...and we’ll drive around the area here while gossiping and laughing.

The way life should be...

From Roosters to City Noises

2007-10-07T18:59:00.001-07:00

In the past few days, I have felt centuries of passing feet that walked my same steps, seen stone crosses, thatched roofs, villages with narrow streets, rows and rows of grapes, and street signs written in Italian. Much different than Greece.

I can’t possibly describe what I’ve seen here and how much of a transformation it has been...so Rome...imagine waking up in the morning and spending the day watching humans being eaten by animals and all that just for fun. Hmmm...I think I'll do that instead of a movie today. The Colosseum...a place where I could actually smell the blood that will forever be stained there. Even after the Pope turned it into the church, the slaughter house remains. Oh how times have changed. The hotel had about a 20 foot high door, I’m guessing because back in the day, people rode their horses and used the space like a garage. Buildings old. After a day and a half, I was over the city though and needed to get out of the dirt and noises. I did cover a lot of ground from the Fountainia di Trevi, Piazza del Popolo, Spanish Steps, Vatican City, Pantheon, Forum, Castel Saint Angelo and more.

The Vatican City blew my mind and I constantly had to remind myself to close my mouth each time it would open in awe. After 2 1/2 hours, I left and walked into sunshine. Strangely enough, I spent a lot of time praying and being thankful for where I am at. The last night was a venture off the beaten path to where the locals eat and ended my time there with some unbelievable lip=smacking pasta.

Old city...check. Next stop...Venice. I have lost my heart and not to any Italian men, but this city. I heart it! There I was in a little Enoteca enjoying a glass of crisp Pinot overlooking a beautiful canal with the warm breeze blowing my hair and Italian music playing in the background. I was content. I wanted to take home with me the elderly locals. Such freedom and simplicity. The green colors and buildings slowly fading away is a magical site to see. Church bells ringing, kids pushing their mini scooters around, and water everywhere.

Hit on by an Italian server named Marco...check. Turned him down...check. And off to Firenze aka Florence. Different than Rome and much different than Venice. Quieter and much more beautiful than Rome. The art is flourishing and rich as well as the people. Amazed at how many good looking people are here. Maybe it’s all the coffee people drink, or maybe it’s the cigarettes. Nonetheless, the portions are smaller and people actually walk places here. What a concept...I didn’t get to visit the famous Duomo, Accademia, or other sights because the people just happen to go on strike the day I arrive. However, I did get to climb 424 steps up the tower next to the Duomo and see a beautiful view of the city and go into the Pitti Palace to learn about style and visit the gardens. I also went into the Medici Chapel and church which was interesting. The Medici family basically was the family back in the day. They were merchants and started a bank which acted as a storage for other merchants to hold money while travel from city to city.

City of art...check. Rented a car and drove into the sweet hills of Tuscany and my every molecule wanted to stay here forever. After it took me about an hour to get out of the city, I found the hills of Chianti and was blown away. Vineyards everywhere, grapes, little towns, flowers...everything I pictured it to be and more. I ended at a town called San Greginono that is completely surrounded by old brick walls. Getting there late, hungry and no place to stay, I was out of luck for a hotel. My heart began to slowly sink thinking this spur of the minute stuff is not such a great idea. Until I came across Villa Belvedere...a cute quaint hotel with the nicest owners that fed me wine and bruschetta. Overlooking the hills with the best sleep of my trip yet, I wake up and run forever. I actually cried during my run. It was quite the site...or so some Italian bikers thought so. Oh, and green, is now my favorite color. In Pisa to see the leaning tower and then off to Cinque De Terra tomorrow.

In my periph, I only see more beauty.

Greetings From the Islands

2007-10-07T18:59:00.000-07:00

Greetings from the Greek islands...

This place is incredibly stunning. Just finished Santorini and I can honestly say that it is the most beautiful place I have ever seen. I did see the Acropolis in Athens before I took the ferry ride over and for a moment realized that I was standing on a place that has been walked on by millions and millions of people. It was a unique, but strange feeling to think about how life was like way back then and how it has changed.

I've so far taken way too many photos and written about 40 pages in my journal. However, my first few nights I had a different sort of reflection. The first night I went to this little Greek joint in Athens and the servers kept on bringing me wine 'on the house' and the only thing I was reflecting that night was the bottom of the wine bottle ;). The second night after the long ferry ride that rocked back and forth brought me to see the reflection of the toilet bowl bottom, but after getting over being sea sick and seeing the place I was staying in Santorini, I quickly brightened up...the sea pills helped to. Planes, metros, buses, automobiles and ferries...I should make a movie.

On the ferry to Mykonos from Santorini, I met a Canadian that was waiting for transportation and we started to chat as we were both a little frustrated that nothing is on time here and we might miss our ferry. He was from Vancouver and had been traveling all over, but had the most horrible things to say about every place. I absolutely adore Vancouver and all he had to say was that it was filled with homeless and heroine kids. He hated the Cayman Islands that he lived for five years and now he was bitching about how the Greek islands are not going his way. So, I left that conversation, realized that I could just sit there and bitch with him, or I could use my brain and figure out another way to get to the port because obviously the taxi was not coming. After some smart thinking, I ran and asked a local to drive me with a huge smile on my face...sure enough, I found myself to the port on time. A few minutes later after wondering if the Canadian made his bus on time, I saw him throwing up his hands and cussing at the ferry and I got to wondering, is it really that bad to be stuck on the most stunning Greek island for another day?

Sometimes we as people are so self-centered that when one thing goes wrong, it can be the end of the world, or the end of a good day and was it worth it? Do we realize that we are just tiny specks in this vast world? Do we realize how antique the world really is and millions of other people have walked the same road? Just like there are hidden treasures, there are enchanting places and we have to be able to open our eyes, truly open our eyes to discover the world's charm all around us...not as we'd like to see it, but just as it is.

Discovering Santorini's Charm:

1. Quad...I use to hate this mode of transportation mostly because it reminds me of hot dessert and loud noises, but this time, it showed me sparkling white villages, curvy roads along the Med. Sea and expansive space.
2. Blue churches...a familiar mark here however I was drawn to it not because of the color, but because it continuously whispered to my being.
3. The sun in all stages of its life...as a Lion, the sun helps me play, grow and appreciation. When the sun sets in Santorini, you can hear clapping and whistling for miles.
4. Buildings built right on top of one another...it reminded me that we have to let others hold us up sometimes in order to really realize our worth.
5. Hidden staircases and underground streets...just like people, we have to take the time to look beyond the apparent because fortune cookie finds are all over.

Creativity and Life

2007-09-01T21:32:00.000-07:00

How and when does creativity spark? I know when I’m worried my mind is filled with clout and therefore, I’m unable to expand outside of the box. I ask this because in a few days I am about to embark on an incredible journey and my mind is filled with so many thoughts of what to bring, where to go, and how I’m going to make it happen, that I have been unable to write for awhile and truly be creative.

But, I’m slowly realizing that being scared is a good thing. Anxiety sometimes is the first day of your new journey. And realizing that the unknown is about to strike like a lightning bolt is sometimes okay. So thank goodness for sometimes because that is where I am at.

In five days, I leave for new countries. I will explore them with a camera in hand and no certain destination or pre-conclusions of what it will bring. I’ll be faced with a different language where I can’t even read, or further comprehend, the alphabet. Cultural standards will be different so I guess I’ve got to keep the mini skirts at home.

I won’t be able to understand the family with their children on the playground, I won’t be able to understand the menu choices (and hopefully I won’t end up with pigs feet or something), and I won’t be able to understand the money conversions.

However, I will understand a smile and body language. I’ll be able to tell if a couple is truly in love or just trying to be in love. I’ll be able to watch the sunrise and realize that all the people around me, no matter where they are from, experience the same sense of peace and joy from each ray of color. I’ll be able to understand that the waves still crash the same, the smiles are still genuine, and the people still experience sadness, happiness, confusion, anxiety, and ultimately ecstasy.

And if I don’t, I’ll let you know. But, for now, just pray for my ability to truly open up, let in, and let go…because this is a trip of a lifetime and I’m just fortunate enough that I have a company that supports it, family that enriches it, and friends that always give me love no matter where I am going or what crazy experiences I decide to do.

Arriverdici…

Blue Moon...

2007-08-08T21:49:00.001-07:00

The moon…it’s a symbol in all of our lives that we rarely choose to embrace. If you actually stop and listen and feel your heart at various stages in life, you’ll realize it coincides with the phases of the moon. Are we waxing sometimes, but waning others? If we feel empty, does it align with the new moon? If we feel full of life, is there a full moon out there to complement the joy? To me, the moon is a beautiful, historical, and an artistically subtle thing that is in our lives regardless if we know it is there and I truly find it fascinating.

The waning of the moon is the period that runs between the full and new moon and it supports the energy of letting go, releasing, moving on from situations or places outgrown. The waxing of the moon is the period between the new moon and full moon and it supports the time for building, gathering and creating new things, new experiences.

In astrology, it is said that a person’s moon sign (determined by the date of your birth) rules your personality, where the sun sign that we typically understand, only rules your individuality. And yes, I believe these theories since the moon is scientifically proven to create the tidal flow. After all, we are 80, or is it 90% made up of water so we must be deeply changed by its phases and character. How beautiful is that?!

But, even with all this scientific research, how many of us take the time out to just lay on the frosty grass, stare into the sky, and see the light reflection that shimmers down on earth. How many of us realize that the metaphorical phrase “once in a blue moon” didn’t just come about, but is something we express in situations of rarity, something unusual. How many of us have embraced our moon sign realizing that time is limited and we have to really inspect our inner voice? We have to follow our heart and intuition.

We may not be able to build when it is waning, or let go when it is waxing, but we can take it all in embracing the hunger, the foolishness, the joy, the failure, and the silver light that shines on us every night.

Driving Test In Reality

2007-07-22T22:03:00.000-07:00

On this sunny Sunday afternoon in San Diego, I find myself online at easyfastcheap.com. Before you start making accusations about my stability, realize that it was simply a website for driving school, yes…driving school. Since the beginning of 2007, I’ve managed to personally hoard three driving tickets (four, if you count December 31, 2006).

The first was on December 31, 2006 at 9:30 a.m. when I was on my way to church. The police officer pulled me over for not having my seat belt on. Starting the next day, San Diego County would implement a new campaign called ‘Click it or Tickit.’ I guess he thought he’d start early and teach the lesson to me.

After expressing to me he found it odd he’d given three other people tickets that day who were on their way to church, I wanted to say, “That’s a sign buddy. Maybe you should stop pulling over all us Christian folk.” I managed to keep my mouth shut and still received a ticket anyway. He just couldn’t possibly give me a warning with the new law. Oh, and he made things even worse by asking me on a date. Loser.

The second was for speeding. Out of the 30 cars surrounding me on the freeway going the same speed, I happen to be picked as the chosen one. [Or, maybe I'm not suppose to be checking email while driving...] Then, another seatbelt violation when I was leaving the gym parking lot.

Finally, the fourth…driving home from gossip and shopping with the girls, I decided to pull into the carpool lane so we could make it back to San Diego fast enough for happy hour at the wine bar. Not realizing that it’s illegal to cross over a double yellow and double illegal to do it wearing bikinis in a red convertible while blasting Bon Jovi’s ‘Lost Highway’ song, I find myself here at my computer taking the driving test.

So, here I am thinking “this is not reeeeal.” But, it is, so let me tell you a thing or two about what I’ve learned from driving school besides the fact that it’s not so fast or cheap so they should change the URL.

The test writers incorporate an imaginary character to each lesson so 1) you’ll pay attention when they ask you trick questions at the end 2) it’ll dull the pain and 3) it’ll make you laugh. I learned that Speedracer liked oranges, went to Fantasy High, had an American flag on his car antenna and wanted to be a police officer so he could speed.

Lesson: No matter how bad life seems, have the imagination and zeal to add a little humor.

Drivers of any kind must always abide by traffic signs and should always pay attention no matter if you’re in a car, riding a bike, or running on a path.

Lesson: Always pay attention to where you are in life. Embrace life’s wheel no matter what is thrown at you. Recognize your limitations, but take risks while romancing and rediscovering yourself.

I’m signing off now hopefully amusing you and not inducing boredom with my ticket banter. Oh, but before I go, I passed the test.

Build Your Dream Space

2007-07-03T22:05:00.000-07:00

It's the night before the 4th of July and fireworks have been going off for at least an hour now. Although I can’t see them from my little cottage, I can hear them and am brought back to the youth days when fireworks were brand new; the colors, formations and sounds were so moving. I felt an honor, a privilege, a sense of peace just to have these unbelievable colors and sounds enter my path.

As I get older, things begin to dull. Daily activities have become mundane and the real ‘exciting’ activities only seem to come around once in awhile.

But, I’m here to tell you that we can make life exciting again. We have the power to choose and can sit in the corner, flunk a class, be depressed, fall in hate, and go through life like it was a chore. Or, we can experience the fireworks for the first time again.

We can fall in love, get inspired, ace a test, dance on tables, forgive ourselves, breathe and enjoy the ride.

Don’t you dare…not dance.

Get Rid of The Mask...

2007-07-02T22:54:00.000-07:00

We are taught in this world, this society, this culture that there are certain checklists to be ‘successful.’ We must get that white picket fence, blue-trimmed house, and SUV with the 2.5 kids singing to ‘sponge bob square pants’ on the way to wonderland (I stole that last part from my muse). But really? And if we are not there, do we wear a mask? Do we say, “I’m good” when asked how things are when what we are really thinking is, “is this really what life is all about?”

Why are we fighting to not show who we really are? Why are we afraid to show our weak spots, our human flesh, our inability to be superhuman? Why are we wearing masks?

If we have any type of imperfection, do we try to hide it? To have imperfection is human. And to be human, to be flesh, is to be less than perfect. So folks, if we are less than perfect, we don’t get that A in school. We don’t get a smiley face sticker from our professor, our boss, or the people that love us. Because receiving that perfection symbol is what we then mistake as filling a void. And trying to reach external gratitude is just filling that void, that loss of unconditional love that we can’t feel within ourselves.

So, we put on masks. We put on ‘external happiness.’ We displace who we really are for social value and social acceptance when what we are really doing is dying a slow, but brutal death because no one will ever know who we really are. Even ourselves. Wearing masks, putting up a shield, or placing walls around us only gets us to a place of fantasy, never to a place of reality. Nobody knows what you need. Nobody knows who you really are. Nobody is there to help you during the worst crucial stages of our human life when we need that person to just accept. The price of being someone you’re not is devastating.

You will find the answer within you if you just let it go, if you just let yourself falter, if you just let things come around in time but at the same time be true to who you are and who you are to others. Find yourself with open arms.

Stop paying the price it takes to get an A. Stop paying the price of the smiley sticker. Just know that you are human, you are imperfect, and you are not the only one.

Arrogance Versus Confidence

2007-06-17T19:43:00.000-07:00

What’s the difference between arrogance and confidence? The dictionary defines these terms as follows:
Arrogance – noun – overbearing pride evidenced by a superior manner toward inferiors
Confidence – noun – belief in oneself and one’s powers or abilities

So what’s the difference besides the dictionary meaning for both words? I’ll tell you. It has nothing to do with what we decide we want to be. We can’t choose to be arrogant or confident because it isn’t a choice. It’s controlled by a higher power. When you’re lost and people are ‘bragging on you’ and telling you how amazing you are, what happens is that it goes to your head…not your heart. So you begin to feed off that like a leach in the lakes of Minnesota. You begin to tell others how wonderful and amazing you are because hey, let’s face it, everyone else thinks you are the best so you must be. And, you’re going to let everyone else know it. That’s arrogance.

When you’re stabilized and life is good. Comfort and familiarity is around. You have love from friends, family and mentors. You may not know exactly where you are, but you know you have support - you have God - that will help lead you. This time, those compliments and overflowing thoughts go to your heart. Arrogance turns into confidence and you are proud in your heart.

Sometimes we just have to submit. Realize that we can’t climb the 110 floors at the World Trade Center and the elevator can take you to the top much faster. And although the physical activity of climbing those stairs is appealing to some of us, it’s really not all that. When we realize that life is not directed completely by what we want and what we do, we’ll get to that higher place and feel confident leaving the arrogance behind for good.

Listen...

2007-06-14T23:21:00.000-07:00

So I have to admit. I’m an avid of wine bars, particularly Wine Steals. It’s where I feel free, where I laugh, where I have vine-storming sessions that actually further my thought process, my career, and my faith. And, in fact, it’s where I get to let go, meet new people, connect with old friends and smile. It's where I listen.

I have a brilliant friend that can sing a song of any variety – and by the way, she doesn’t sing. But, she’s walked the streets for so long, that her experience, her saturation, makes her look around the world and instead of being translucent, she is just there.

With someone like that in your life, life is just comfortable. No use in hiding fears, or those aspects that we want to be considered lady-like. It’s soundwaves from a flute flowing through the wind, and a saxophone reaching inside you and making your soul known to the world. It is real. It is true. And, it is something beyond our control.

People come in our lives and teach us piano like we’ve never heard, psalms like we’ve never preached, food like we’ve never tasted, touch like we’ve never shivered, and peace like we experience all the time until we realize when it’s gone.

Be awake. Be real. Feel worse if you have to for a moment. Sleep less. Stop feeling like you’re melting away no matter what is going on and find those people that you love, that you trust, that make you truly hear life…and listen. Too many people are just talking. Take time to listen.

Listen until you peer inside your catacomb and feel the beat of a new butterfly. Listen to your breath…look inside yourself and realize what you love. If you look inside yourself and realize what you love has been harmed in any shape or form, pull it together and embrace it even more. It’s worth it to try again. And again, and again…trust me.

Wine Steals is where thoughts begun with my brilliant friend, but it will never end…no matter where we are.

Humble Me

2007-06-09T22:53:00.000-07:00

I looked around today like a child while I was driving and saw so many beautiful things, I almost started to cry. A Mexican princess party, murals of Christian figures, an elderly couple sitting on their porch enjoying a glass of wine and fine conversation, a pregnant women and her partner walking hand n hand, teens skateboarding while an aspiring producer took video, a woman and woman walking in an art gallery together not ashamed to hold hands, kids swinging up and down with joyous faces, a man sitting on a park bench patiently waiting for transportation while he’s immersed into a good novel, and families all over the place.

I don’t know if it was the time of day, or just the state I am in, but it humbled me. It made me feel so blessed for the life I have lived, the family God blessed me with and the friends that surround me and continually make me laugh, dance, and sparkle. It made me remember how beautiful life is if we just see it that way. I was happy to be a spectator, instead of a joiner.

It was like when you let go of a balloon in the vast sky for the first time. It was like when you see a rainbow and wonder where it ends. It was almost like when I believed that mermaids would save me if I were to drown in a pool. It was rich with inspiration and a feeling that I embrace. I often take the time to look around me when I am running, walking, or just driving – maybe it’s the photographer in me – or maybe it’s because life goes by soo quickly, if I can spend a few seconds to suck it up, I will.

The Secret

2007-06-05T21:47:00.000-07:00

What is the secret anyway? Maybe it is some great realization to happen within us where the light suddenly shines brighter and a wave of matrixism flashes before us? Not a chance. Maybe it’s a state of mind, but I doubt it.

Wikipedia explains the secret as “people's feelings and thoughts attract real events in the world into their lives; from the workings of the cosmos to interactions among individuals in their physical, emotional, and professional affairs. The film also suggests that there has been a strong tendency by those in positions of power to keep this central principle hidden from the public. The previews or "clues" to the film, show men who "uncovered the Secret...".

I’ll tell you what the secret is. It’s not a mass amount of the population sucking down a movie like it was the coming of the Christ. It’s not about negative thoughts producing negative energy. And it’s definitely not about some guy banking off people’s ignorance and making millions.

It’s about having heart and listening to what guides you, listens to you, and brings you home. It’s about looking into an innocent little child’s eye and remembering the world back then. It’s about floundering on the beach not worrying about your body, or the sun that’s going to kill you. It’s about love in the rawest form where you constantly want to sacrifice because that’s what brings happiness.

It’s about believing in yourself and others, but mostly believing that you cannot direct the winds of your life, only adjust the sail. You especially cannot direct the winds of others. Only God can do that.

It’s about being reminded of the beauty of the droplets of heaven that fall in the form of rain. It’s about the crisp leaves that rustle with the wind and hair slowly flowing letting all things that are bad pass. It’s about looking up at the sky and seeing the stars for what they really are – formations of beauty. Twinkles. Sparkles. Light that guides our path.

It’s about giving the sky a reason to run to the paint store. It’s about listening to the morning bird’s songs, but realizing that you can stop it by just laughing and singing with them. It’s about truly and fully understanding who you are, what you’re made of, where you came from, and where you desire to be. Not in wealth, necessarily, or in career highlights, but in heart, in peace, and in soul.

It’s about feeling comfortable in your own skin, or at least being honest with others that the butterfly has yet to come. Really? It’s about cowboy hats, lacey sheets, hot cocoa mugs, and long games of scrabble.

The secret is what we have inside of us. Some can give more than others and some far too less. But when we realize it isn’t about what we get, but rather about what we give, we’ve learned the secret.

Do Waves Represent the Cycle of Life?

2007-05-29T21:05:00.000-07:00

When the wave is up and you’re catching it, it’s not hard to grow or fall…it all makes perfect sense and you want it to last forever.

When the wave is down and you’re not catching it, it’s like your waiting…waiting for something to happen - whether it is good or bad, you just want to feel it.

Sometimes when the wave is up, you may not catch it. Do you keep trying or give up? Do you BEGIN or do you GIVE IN? Sometimes you need the help of someone else to give you the extra push…but, most of the time, we don’t ask. Pride? Persistence? Perseverance? Maybe. I see bums everywhere and wonder if they just never had the courage to really ask for help besides the typical signage.

I know we allow waves to pass us by all the time which is okay if we wait until it is the right time to really ride it to the finish. If we catch it too soon before we are ready, we’ll break down and break the wave. If we catch it too late because we were too scared, we’ll miss it.

So when do we know? When the time, faith, willingness, and ambition is there. When we are ready to take a chance again and deal with the consequences whether it’s riding it out to the finish, or totally biffing up. But, we have to be ready. That is something I’ve learned. We can’t let external sources let us believe we have reached that point. We can’t let external ‘signs’ show us the right direction. We can’t let that reflection of the water be in our way. We have to be ready to tell the story no matter if its good or bad, listen to our own external glitters, and feel it…all the way through. Nonetheless, it is essential to have people there lending a hand, and supporting our decision, but we have to be willing to ask as well.

When do we know when the wave will never emerge? Should we wait endlessly? I have one simple and quick answer – no. If you wait long enough in one situation and nothing changes, it’s time to move on and head another direction wishing to catch another wave. Call for help if you need to be pulled out of the ocean. Maybe a lifeguard won’t hear you, but some supernatural being will and you’ll find another wave…just not in the place you wished.

And let me remind you that there are constructive waves and destructive waves. Constructive waves are low in energy – approaching the beach slowly. And although it is slow, it constantly moves up the beach. Destructive waves are tall with lots of energy – the kind most of us like to ride. But when they approach the beach, they rapidly steepen and plunge down the beach taking away more material from the beach than the wave can give back.

Point is? It’s okay to have a smaller wave that carefully takes you along the ride, not taking too much in the end, but just moving slowly – constructively. It’s okay to ask for help when the courage is not there – I guarantee if you ask, you will receive…but only if you ask with the right motives.

The wave will not come because you want to get a two-second high, because you want to show the world what you’re capable of, or because you have to prove something. The wave will only come when no one is watching and you’re in it completely based on your own heart having faith every ride of the way.

Secret Garden

2007-05-21T20:48:00.000-07:00

The Secret Garden was my favorite movie when I was a kid. I wanted so much to believe in its truth, but is it really real?

We all have one. The place that we don’t want anyone to know about unless they take all the tools required to break it down, or on the other hand, try and help it. The place that we try not to remember, or the place that we are wishing to forget and then someone comes along and smiles…and the dead weeds bloom.

The secret garden is within us and it will always be there. The hope and desire we have in each of our weeds - to blossom - to sparkle...we just have to discover them. We think to ourselves that after tomorrow we’ll reveal all our deepest secrets. But, when does that really happen? And if it does, will after tomorrow be too late? Possibly... and especially since in this world today there are so many options that we can hide because most people don’t really care.

Back in the day (I'm not sure what that day is but before my time), people didn't care about hanging their laundry out to dry. They only cared about drying clothes, not what their neighbors thought. Now, not so much. People only hang out what they want others to perceive them as.

Maybe that is why shopping has become a job and sex is no longer a sinful thing. Maybe that is why we don’t have to stay committed because it’s common to make a mistake and others don't frown on it anymore. Maybe that is why teens are popping pills and avoiding food.

What happened to our secret garden? What happened to visiting it from time to time and allowing someone to enter even if weeds were growing wild? Wouldn't it be nice to just let it go and reveal your deepest secrets and not be afraid of what others perceive.

Not after tomorrow, but today, I don’t want to be an object, or some straight-up plastic doll so I can look 'nice' to other people. I'm raw. I'm open to sharing my secret garden. I'm giving my soul. I'm listening to every hour of each beauty on this earth who wants to talk. Because I know that today, isn't about being someone else's dream for the day. Today, is about heaven - being fully exposed, weeds 'n all, and not sacrificing who I am to get instant pleasure or mass approval.

We all have skeletons. Don't be afraid to open up and let it show...

Embrace an Eraser

2007-05-06T19:17:00.000-07:00

I was told recently by someone special to update my blog – so here it goes. Life has felt short recently – passing me by without even blinking an eye.

Recently, I’ve been noticing a large population of pregnant women. Maybe it’s all the baby showers I’ve been invited to recently, or maybe it’s my maternal instincts finally kicking in. I know, you’re all thinking, “What? Betsy with maternal instincts?” Pretty soon you’ll see purple cows flying too. No, seriously though, I’ve been thinking to myself, did I miss the boat? Can you all just hold on a second until I catch the first phase???

I know I didn’t miss the boat and that all my crazy little dots will connect in the future…even if I don’t understand them now. I’m trusting God that things will just work out how they are suppose to be. I’m also learning that life isn’t about success, how I look, and what I have…it is about how I feel, what I am doing now, and how to follow my heart – still. I know I’ll find a life-long partner who is secure, family-orientated, religious, passionate, musically in-love with a sense of humor. I know I’ll find someone that makes me feel like life and success isn’t about crossing things off the to do list, but about having grace and fortitude to move through change, experience your own body and what it tells you, and just smile. To know that life is about how to live now and not just what needs to be done to be secure later is a major accomplishment in this human evolution.

What does security mean anyway? People work so hard to be secure now, but what if life ends tomorrow and working that hard, trying that hard never comes to fruition later? What if someone never does the things they love until later in life when it’s too late? We all need to carry a big fat eraser in our pocket and just forget about the checklist from time to time.

Yea, it’s comfortable to have plans and I really believe it is necessary, but at times, you’ve got to be loose enough to accept the curveballs life throws at you and ‘roll with the punches.’

I’ve discovered the way to determine one’s character is to see them at the difficult moments. Because plans get revised and blue prints get redrafted to accommodate the expansive garden that we all need to fulfill. Let’s all just find a good pen and roll of paper to create ideas. Let’s all never lean towards the water when a boat is sinking, and instead, grab a bucket and work on making the water move out of the boat to stay afloat.

I was told recently to 1) Do the Right Thing and 2) Live Life…so far, it has been a pretty powerful thing. At the store, if I drop something, I pick it up and put it back. If there’s a parking spot and I’ve been searching for hours but an elderly women is looking for one too, I’ll let her take it.

At the same time, I’m living life. I finally bought the $2,000 camera I’ve been dreaming about (and I’m not afraid to sleep with it at night). There is nothing like wandering the city, camera in hand, with an unknown destination. Complete bliss. Running is always good for the soul, but just different.

I’m looking forward to my trip to Europe where I can find some music that reaches right into my body and pulls my own experiences and feelings out in a soul-ripping way. I’m looking forward to different architecture and word combinations that works through me in an artistic subtle way that science or technology will never allow me to feel. I’m looking forward to feeling passion – mine and others.

People tell me that I’m too passionate. Well, so what. All pride, all external expectations, and all fears of failure goes away when people learn it is their last day living so why not be passionate about today. We are all naked whether or not we want to believe it. Surprisingly, God tells us just as our intuition tells us who people really are, no matter how hard we try to cover it up. Be secure no matter what it takes. Follow your heart – know that you have a future waiting – don’t compromise – and please, don’t ever settle. Let yourself be free. I know I am.

Music Touches the Soul

2006-12-20T21:22:00.000-08:00

I recently bought a $16 CD because one song reminds me of a person even though the rest of the CD does not contain songs I would generally listen to. But in that moment, at that time, the song brought such a huge smile on my face that I knew I had to have it. It reminded me that I can rock someone to the soul and I am a sweet little bee.

We need songs like that to continue on to the future no matter if that person is in our life. We need to be reminded that we impress people, we inspire others, and we shine a light into another soul that enraptures the essence of life.

A song that doesn’t remind us of hurt, or pain…but only happiness. A song that says it’s okay for a person to enter our life for a brief period to teach us something and then leave. A song that just makes us smile.

I hope everyone has that one song for now. It will and should change with the more people we encounter. The beauty of this world is that there will always be another face, another soul, another heart that can teach us something. If only we open up our eyes, hearts, and souls to allow it.

Peace be with you.

New Year. New You.

2006-12-10T14:01:00.000-08:00

As I look forward to 2007, I realize that bells will stop ringing soon and it's time to focus on growth and where I've been.

I've been through pain. I've experienced anger. I've even felt jealousy unfortunately. I also realize that we are all on this planet together. And if not for love, than what for? People hold grudges, harbor anger, and constantly complain their whole life. Should we really be holding on to harmful experiences when there are so many things out there to celebrate and look forward to? We should all love the rain. We should all remember that the rain, like tears, wipe the slate clean and bring a brand new beginning.

Immediate.
Spontaneous.
Right now.
We must WAIT. We must let go and not force things, but pursue what we believe in. In order to grow, we must dive into faith, see a shooting star for the miracle it is and fully internalize a full moon.

In order to grow, we can't quit and run away when the going gets tough; however, we can quit when a situation is something out of our control.

Deal with change...
As the country group Rascal Flats says, Life throws you curves and you must learn how to swerve. Like I have always said, God never gives us anything we cannot handle. However, She may give us something that hurts so we must still dream, hope for the best, and accept the change that is brought in our lives. Ultimately, we cant direct the winds; however, we can change the sail with our hearts and feelings. Ive learned that change requires faith, compassion, and total acceptance.

Growth comes from witnessing love so deeply from grandparents that have been married for over 50 years. You realize what one would do anything for the other. It's hard to imagine a marriage working these days, but you have to believe and you have to dream in order for it to have some chance.

Life is short...
...so we must grasp it and love it. Family and faith is all we've got and no matter what has happened in the past, we must move on, and forgive. Grudges and judgmentment do not provide happiness, only more anger. So no matter what has been done in the past, you must realize that all human beings are equal and life will offer you nothing if you judge another person, no matter what race, gender, or age.

I Wish...

that I'll continue to forgive and forget about "little details" and remember the whole picture of beauty, sea, peace, and love.
that I'll figure out not to care if I'm right or not, but to collaborate with others.
that I'll accept my faults, learn from them and move on.

We all know that "making out" no longer refers to how we did on an exam and "AIDS" is something more than helpers. We live in a different world. But, that doesnt change the fact that we are all humans, we should still love. Life is about helping others.

If we are lucky enough to make wise choices (including our speech), we should use them.

Here's to 2007.

Live the World You Dream Of...

2006-12-10T12:56:00.000-08:00

Wish upon a star naked. Dream about a world with sunflowers as cars. Laugh until sunrises come out of the mouth. Dance until the sweat turns into butterflies. Love the air.

Sing to the mountains. Kiss. Share until all the fears come out…then turn into daisies.

Make friends with bums. Date a loser.

Learn the power within.
Dream of purple pigs smiling. Build a fort at the age of 50. Why not a tree house also. Live like the rich. Live like the poor. Give money away. Learn how to think.
Live in the world you dream of.

A Parallel Between a Garden and a Life

2006-09-10T13:36:00.000-07:00

A garden will grow if you don’t water it. However, it will grow out of control with vines wrapping around anything it can grasp. This can be a beautiful thing to watch it take its course, but it can also be a disaster. [Your life will continue even if you don’t take care of it, but will become absorbed with unhealthy thoughts and doings.]

So it needs water to reach its full fruition.

Some things in a garden come by chance and can ruin all the hard work that has been planted. The gardener may not know the cause so it tries everything else but the right solution to save the garden. [You make the decision of who you want in your life. Ultimately, if you choose to be associated with destructive people, you will destruct yourself.]

There are other things in a garden that are scary and fearful. The gardener may choose not to touch the garden in fear that it will encounter a scary bug or spider. And therefore, the garden deteriorates because it is not receiving the attention it deserves. [Life is scary, but if you don't face the fears, your soul no longer lasts.]

The gardener may buy tools to help build the garden. Some tools require additional strength and human power to work effectively. Some tools are there to protect the gardener so he/she is not harmed. Other tools are used to help feed the garden so it grows.

The real tool, though, is time. Time that is invested carefully will attend to every detail, every need, and every problem. This time including peaceful thoughts requires a certain amount of giving.

A garden can be precious, or it can be a wild fire ready to ignite. The gardener decides.