Driving Test In Reality

On this sunny Sunday afternoon in San Diego, I find myself online at easyfastcheap.com. Before you start making accusations about my stability, realize that it was simply a website for driving school, yes…driving school. Since the beginning of 2007, I’ve managed to personally hoard three driving tickets (four, if you count December 31, 2006).

The first was on December 31, 2006 at 9:30 a.m. when I was on my way to church. The police officer pulled me over for not having my seat belt on. Starting the next day, San Diego County would implement a new campaign called ‘Click it or Tickit.’ I guess he thought he’d start early and teach the lesson to me.

After expressing to me he found it odd he’d given three other people tickets that day who were on their way to church, I wanted to say, “That’s a sign buddy. Maybe you should stop pulling over all us Christian folk.” I managed to keep my mouth shut and still received a ticket anyway. He just couldn’t possibly give me a warning with the new law. Oh, and he made things even worse by asking me on a date. Loser.

The second was for speeding. Out of the 30 cars surrounding me on the freeway going the same speed, I happen to be picked as the chosen one. [Or, maybe I'm not suppose to be checking email while driving...] Then, another seatbelt violation when I was leaving the gym parking lot.

Finally, the fourth…driving home from gossip and shopping with the girls, I decided to pull into the carpool lane so we could make it back to San Diego fast enough for happy hour at the wine bar. Not realizing that it’s illegal to cross over a double yellow and double illegal to do it wearing bikinis in a red convertible while blasting Bon Jovi’s ‘Lost Highway’ song, I find myself here at my computer taking the driving test.

So, here I am thinking “this is not reeeeal.” But, it is, so let me tell you a thing or two about what I’ve learned from driving school besides the fact that it’s not so fast or cheap so they should change the URL.

• The test writers incorporate an imaginary character to each lesson so 1) you’ll pay attention when they ask you trick questions at the end 2) it’ll dull the pain and 3) it’ll make you laugh. I learned that Speedracer liked oranges, went to Fantasy High, had an American flag on his car antenna and wanted to be a police officer so he could speed.

Lesson: No matter how bad life seems, have the imagination and zeal to add a little humor.

• Drivers of any kind must always abide by traffic signs and should always pay attention no matter if you’re in a car, riding a bike, or running on a path.

Lesson: Always pay attention to where you are in life. Embrace life’s wheel no matter what is thrown at you. Recognize your limitations, but take risks while romancing and rediscovering yourself.

I’m signing off now hopefully amusing you and not inducing boredom with my ticket banter. Oh, but before I go, I passed the test.